What happened immediately? My fleshly pride stepped in. Literally, within a few seconds, I then pursued and engaged in a direct and unpleasant conversation with those two individuals. That verbal debate went downhill fast. Within a minute or so, I ended the conversation. And the second I walked away, I was overwhelmed with such disappointment and guilt. I had failed. Failed! Why in the world had I pursued that conversation? One Reason: My fleshly pride could not bear turning the other cheek. I didn't come to that conclusion quickly or easily, but God has patiently taught me this.
The greatest source of anguish during all of this pertained to how far the Lord had brought me over the last years and especially the last year or more, and what did I do? I failed Him. I don't want that to sound heroic. It wasn't. There was still pride in not being able to get past failing Him. There had been so many times over the years where I had laid aside all of my preconceived notions in areas where I was seeking His Truth on particular matters. During those times, I had to reach the end of me and say, "What is Your Truth, Lord? Not mine, but Yours." In those times of testing, the Lord provided His revelations through His Grace. This time, however, I had so much difficulty reaching the END OF ME. I wanted to hold on to me. Me. Me. Me. Was there any way to justify my actions? Me. Me. Me. Surely, I didn't fail God. Me. Me. Me. Oh no! I HAD failed God! Me. Me. Me. I can't go on! Me. Me. Me.
Satan whispered that "I couldn't dare apologize for my failures to these two people." I would seem silly for doing so. Gradually, the Lord fed me manna and guided my decisions. I sent an apology to the couple. I apologized in areas where I felt I had failed them. I did not condone their behavior, but I did apologize for mine. Period. Even while I prepared my apology, my son stood in my living room and used a phrase and an object that the Lord had given me a few weeks ago. I knew God was pleased with my open apology to them. That was a small step in "dying to me."
Is that the end of the story? No. Satan reared his despicable face continually for the next several days. Condemnation upon condemnation pursued me. I must have spent what seems like hours in prayer to the Lord. Sometimes, I couldn't muster a word in His presence; other times, I just wept and wept. I begged also. I was broken.
One time, I listened to my two year old cry over an important two year old issue, and as I took my hand and wiped away his tears, I thought: "I wish my Father would wipe away mine the way I have my son's." It was a passing thought but a genuine one.
A few hours later I was upstairs praying in my other son's bedroom. My two year old played in the floor as I cried out to the Lord in that small bedroom. At one point, my two year old walked peacefully over to me and handed me a teddy bear and then raised his small finger to my face and wiped away the tears that were streaming down my cheeks. How merciful is our Lord!
Early during this long battle between the flesh and the spirit, I found myself asking the Lord: "How in the world does anyone come to repentance when it forces us to admit we are wrong and have erred?" I knew that there were times in the past where I had readily repented, but this time, there was tremendous opposition in my flesh, and a spirit of confusion seemed to cloud my every thought. I found myself pleading with the Lord to please help me with this confusion. Just when I thought I understood what He was calling me to do, I was bombarded with very bizarre and confusing thoughts.
In the middle of this battle, I felt sure that no one could ever admit he or she was wrong on particularly "big" issues because that would require a death to self and require us to admit that we made an error - a big error. Satan was pleased with that conclusion and had hoped I would stay there. Satan even began suggesting that I probably shouldn't mention to others that they need to repent because "after all, it's just too difficult, sometimes. That's asking too much of man." I can hear that Serpent hissing even as I type this.
But thanks be to God, He has shown me that those who abide in Him will die to self and admit when they have failed Him. And will happily - yes happily and with great rejoicing - admit they have failed because they chose to accept a lie and follow it. A week ago, I could not have said that about this situation. I could not have. I. could. not. have. I am so happy that I now can!
I have discovered this: IF the Lord is more important to you than you are important to yourself, then yes, a person will come to true repentance. A person will die to self. Die to the desires of the flesh - no matter how painful the death is. A person just will. Dying to self on "little" issues is not a problem. I am talking about carrying a heavy cross - a heavy error- and asking the Lord to help you keep your hands and feet in place while the nails are driven into your flesh. Ask the Lord to close your mouth just when you want to cry out: "Let me down from this cross!" He will prove faithful for those who abide in His Vine. He will provide the strength we need in order to die to self. If we do not come to repentance on every issue He brings to our attention, then we will be cast forth from the Vine. Repenting out of obligation is not truly repenting.
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Before typing this, I thought, "Lord, I will share this truth if you want me to." True to form, my son, who was playing outside, walked up to the door right after I thought this and handed me something that God had so miraculously used in time's past to confirm His intentions. I laughed out loud. Thank you, Lord. I will become transparent in order to glorify You.
There were many Grace filled revelations in these last weeks that led me to my own cross. I won't share them here, but I am forever thankful to the Lord! Keeping breaking and making me, Lord. I want to stand before You and hear: "Well done, good and faithful servant." Matthew 25:23
I have included two timely pieces that apply to my situation. May they bless those who read/listen to them.
No More Conscience of Sin
Prioritizing God First: Miraculous Results
UPDATE: I am adding this about three hours or so after I posted the information above. The Lord has further revealed His intentions in what I am calling my trial in dying to self. I didn't share this in the post above. I decided not to, but God has shown me that He means for me to do so. This morning, while I was talking on the phone to my husband, I shared with my husband that I have really been in the strangest battle with Satan. He has sought to really destroy me in this battle. My son, who is 7, walks up to me and says the following: "Mom, do you remember how Jesus led the Israelites through the wilderness with a pillar of fire?" I said, "Yes." He then continued, "That is what Jesus is doing with you."
After he said that I almost started crying tears of joy, but then I stopped myself. He then said, "The Devil doesn't want you to cry, but it is okay if you do, Mom."
At that time, I felt like the Lord spoke to me that He had allowed me to go through the wilderness in order to humble me. But I wasn't sure if that was from the Lord. So I moved on from that passing thought. All of this occurred this morning. Just before I started typing this blog (above), I asked God if He wanted me to do so. At that moment, my son knocked on my front door and handed me a few things. One of which was an important object that the Lord has shown me over and over again this last year to confirm His will for me. I didn't realize until just a few minutes ago, but my son had also handed me something else that would confirm all of this -- why the battle and the anguish and days upon days of weeping in front of the Lord.
Just a few moments ago, I opened three scripture song CDs that I ordered from the Internet. I ordered these because I want to allow these scripture songs to play in my 7 year old's room while he sleeps at night. I also bought them in hopes of having them play throughout the day in the kitchen. I ordered these a week or so ago. My son handed me this package today, yet I had not listened to any of them until just a few moments ago. I asked my son to choose the one he wanted me to play in the kitchen. He said, "Play this one mom because there is an eagle on the outside of it." I didn't read any of the song titles; I simply put it in the CD player. This is the first song that played:
And thou shalt remember all the way which the LORD thy God led thee these forty years in the wilderness, to humble thee, and to prove thee, to know what was in thine heart, whether thou wouldest keep his commandments, or no.
And he humbled thee, and suffered thee to hunger, and fed thee with manna, which thou knewest not, neither did thy fathers know; that he might make thee know that man doth not live by bread only, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of the Lord doth man live.
Deuteronomy 8:2-3 KJV
Hebrew Definition of HUMBLE above: "through the idea of looking down or browbeating; to depress." Browbeat means "intimidate (someone), typically into doing something, with stern or abusive words.
The Lord had spoken this to me earlier in the day, but I didn't want to make a false assumption in believing that. Yet, thank the LORD, He showed it to me again! For the last few days, during my prayer, I have wholeheartedly and humbly implored the Lord to speak to me in a clear and detailed way so that I will be able to understand this battle and what He has been trying to teach me. HE DID. HE DID. Oh, how I happily die to My Lord. How I adore Him and His commandments! I bow before His presence and say, "Holy is the Lamb."Hebrew Definition of PROVE: "to test; by implication to attempt"
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